i picked up some worms today, they were slimy, i hardly thought at all. the world gets smaller everyday. time isnt real either and it can be 1997 if i want it to be. im tired i wanna disappear, not in a death way in a go missing and read the articles about me from my hiding place, unsolved disappearance, ohio teen who made perplexing social-media posts, last seen wearing silver heart locket with picture of thom yorke inside?
i save after every paragraph cuz this computer's gonna die. my head hurts. i miss you thom, i miss you a great deal. 2023 is my year ill meet him this year i probably will freeze & say nothing and not have courage to ask for a hug but meeting him is enough. stalker fan......
i wonder if i should remove the secret page from here, its not like anyone will find it but those poems are so mortifying. they wouldnt make sense to other people except me, but at the same time its really clear what i meant when i said those things ,things i will probably take to my grave.. so i don't know. or maybe i'll leave it up live on the edge. its not like people dont already know i feel that way about him anyways but the poems make it worse
earlier i was thinking, and this is embarassing so pretend you didn't see this, but i was i'd argued with my mom and i was laying down to take a nap didnt bother to take my locket off & it felt safer that way like he keeps me safe.in a way thats true, i think, i dont know. i didnt end up falling asleep but those few minutes were kind-of nice.
the homepage is broken but i dont remember how i made it so i cant fix it right now. ..erm its a bit embarassing. i like it though and i dont wanna remove it either so ill just leave it. & why does this site have so many views who are you people. my head hurts again AGH i cant remember what i was gonna say it was something important,
im thinking of making a new site for just a blog it feels easier than maintaining this one buried in so many subpages. i dont know. i dont know. i dontknow lol. a move that will probably keep me up tonight: im writing down a fragment of something here instead of anywhere else because i couldnt find anywhere to do so that felt like it suited it. ignore.
Married to: This portion of the document has been blacked out.
Father of: This portion of the document has been blacked out.
Member of: This portion of the document has been blacked out.
You'll read a transcript of the proceedings. Can you do that? [He points to the document.]
This person tells me you brought a girl to the mouth of the cave. They tell me she was laughing
at the gulls. They tell me the sun glinted off your binoculars and left a mark on the cliff.
Do you know this woman?
[He blinks into the camera. There's a for sale sign in his front yard.] Know her?
[His finger traces down the white document.] I knew her. I watched her from below.
Mother of: This portion of the document has been blacked out.
i didnt finish it. hold on. just wait just hold on. this has NOTHING to do with the poem but i just almost cried b/c i love him so much. he's so. isthere a word? is there a word? there isn't . i just don't know what to do anymore. i wanna walk into the ocean. i wanna look him dead in the eyes and tell him without telling him. it;s possible to cry on antidepressants, i love him more than life itself. that should be a good thing i think we should normalise celebrity worship syndrome. i think we should normalise schizo behaviour. who am i hurting?
sorry. i dont know. its late & im tired and im in love and everything is so painful and i should stop typing. i should invest in a journal. yuck